Last night, I sat down and wrote out bits and pieces of a reply to her... but I'm yet to put them together and send it. My silence hasn't gone unnoticed. Alex sent me an e-mail this morning. I avoided reading it until just now.
From: "Alex" <email@example.com>
Date: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 09:57:20 -0600
i didn't know what to title this ...
i don't know what's going on right now. i know that you are in a tough situation. i know that i wanna be with you, that i think about you all the time, that i couldn't sleep last night because everytime that i closed my eyes i could feel you.
at first, i was positive that you wanted to be with me, but now i'm not so sure. you don't talk to me like you did ... we were talking about being together and how we feel about each other, now we barely talk at all. i just send emails that go unanswered and leave messages on voicemail. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. you tell me to focus on the situation at hand (you and me.) but, i'm confused as to what you are focusing on, i don't feel its "me." are you? you have said some things in the past few days that have really hurt my feelings, i'm going to knock it up to you're sick. i hope that's what it was.
if i'm barking up the wrong tree, please just let me know if you don't wanna pursue this avenue. maybe, i thought this was going to be something more than you wanted. the things that you said to me have lead me to believe this is what you wanted, too. just let me know if you have changed your mind.
if you want this relationship to work, i think we are gonna have to get to together and come up with a game plan if you know what i mean. i hope that this is what you want.
i'm tired of sending these emails, but it it the only way to let you know how i feel; i wanna talk to you the way i talked to you before i came up the last time. when i could hear it in your voice that you truly cared and wanted to be with me. i don't know what has changed, do you? i wanna go back .... i hope you call today (god knows, i sit around waiting for the phone to ring) and let me know how you feel. i know that you're sleeping right now, i hope that you're feeling better.
how did you do this before? it's killing me. i'm scared and nervous and "anxiuos." I haven't slept in days. Why you may wonder ?.? I'm not scared to admit it anymore. I scared that I may lose the best thing that has ever walked into my life for the second time....
talk to you soon?
I know me responding in a Live Journal isn't accomplishing anything... I know that resolution can only come with me talking to her. But how can she say that she doesn't know what changed? One day, it was just the two of us. It was three-hour phone calls into the wee hours of the morning... and her trips up here... and some really magical moments. And, then, I couldn't go to her party because I was on trip with Jessie that had been planned for MONTHS. I think it's obvious what happened.
I'm curious as to what this renewed magic between Alex & I is all about. I want to explore it and find out... But I'm not willing to toss aside my best friend of seven years to do that. Some of the friends that she has been getting advice from suggest that I have to choose between Alex & Jessie. Alex doesn't want that... Because things won't turn out in her favor. You don't get rid of good friends because someone wants to have you all to themselves. It just doesn't work that way.