Thomas Fletcher (fletch31526) wrote,
Thomas Fletcher

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8-1 | Writer's Block: It’s the end of the world as we know it

If you had the option to learn the exact moment and details of your death, would you choose to know?

Most definitely. What if it was next month? I'd need the advance warning to have time to plan my funeral, go skydiving, spend a bunch of money and take Jessie to Disney World (she's never been). That would also give me plenty of time to burn my unused vacation at work. No sense in letting that go to waste, eh?

In all seriousness, I think I would like to know. And in all seriousness, I think I would end up doing all of those things I mentioned (and maybe more).

I'd certainly be planning my funeral. Funeral services planned by the funeral home are cheesy. I don't understand those little pamphlets they out, either. The only thing they ever have in them is a copy of the obituary and maybe a listing of the pall bearers. I know that stuff. That's nothing new. And if I didn't, I would read the obituary online before the funeral. No, those pamphlets should be entertaining and tell me stuff I didn't already know. They should contain all of the jokes that wouldn't fit in the eulogy (because eulogies should be humorous. Even if the dead person was an asshole. In that case, they should especially be humorous).

We're gonna need plenty of funny stuff at my funeral because I also want one of those slide shows that plays sad songs with a photo montage that makes the whole crowd -- even the people that didn't know the dead person -- weep openly. But the slide show will only be one or two songs. I went to a funeral once where it lasted for four or five loooooong songs. That was just too much. It's possible to start resenting the person in the pine box when you're held hostage by something like that.

I'd like to have a fire department element to my funeral, too. If there's a group of people who know how to throw a funeral, it's firefighters. We raise ladders and play bagpipes and look spiffy in our full dress uniforms. There are always plenty of apparatus, too. The fire service will turn a procession into a parade.

When everything is done and I'm in the ground*, it would be pretty cool for everyone to kick it at a party. Ideally, the party would have an open bar, a concert by Cowboy Mouth and fireworks (literally) when it was over. I've got a little $15,000 life insurance policy through the union. I've also got half a mind to tell the wife to spend it all on the party. (*I really think cremation has a lot of benefits. Why fill up the ground with boxes full of dead people? However, I think cemeteries are neat and as I firefighter, I have a professional objection to being burned up. I dunno. Hopefully I have a few more decades to decide.)

Speaking of cemeteries... If that's where I end up, I'd like a really cool headstone. I want it to look like something that's been there 100 years. (Well, I'd like it to be designed like it would have been 100 years ago... you can leave the weathered marbled, the mold and the moss off of it.) If I die young, I should probably just have a stone for myself. If Jessie finds someone else, I don't want her feeling obligated to be buried next to husband #1. And, even worse, I don't want her deciding to be buried with husband #2 and my corpse having to spend eternity next to what is essentially a "vacancy" sign.
Tags: death, fire, jessie, public, writer's block

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