Thomas Fletcher (fletch31526) wrote,
Thomas Fletcher

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I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

Today, I was going through old papers and found a plain 6x9 manila envelope with no return address but mailed to me in Alex's handwriting. I'd received the envelope for the first time during an especially unsettled period in my life but had since forgotten about it. Inside wasn't a note from her, but a note to her from one of her friends.

The note to Alex inside included your standard "I'm your friend, we need to talk more often, call me sometime" language. And then, at the end, it mentioned me. "I also included stickers I found a while ago. Since we have not talked in a long time, I am not sure where the Fletch relationship is, so just know the thought was there." Inside the card were a pack of firefighter stickers.

Right now, I want to be sad. I'm not, but that's only because my body doesn't always let me do what I want. Sometimes, I guess I live life in a vacuum. I'm admitting it. Sometimes I only see what's right in front of my eyes. I now wonder about the person who sent this card to Alex. What sort of conversations did they have about me? What did Alex say about me when I wasn't around. I never thought about those things... and I'm not thinking about them in a vain way now. I'm thinking about them because I want to know what was in her heart.

Ours has always been a complicated relationship. When one was ready for something serious, the other made sure that something happened to prevent things from escalating. She played spoiler early. I returned the favor late. Because of this, I think neither of us was every really sure of what the other was thinking. Such was the case for me, at least. The focus seemed to shift to the process of our relationship more often than the feelings of it. And so now, I'm ashamed to say that I've be jerked back by this card I found to a new perspective. Behind all of the bullshit, what was really there?

I guess it doesn't matter. Not only has my life gone in a completely different direction, it's done so by leaving Alex behind. Trust me, that's not how I wanted things to happen. I didn't want to lose her friendship. But by only focusing on what was right in front of me, I failed to be honest to her and to myself. I fucked up. I did things that I shouldn't. Now, I pay my price by missing her. This afternoon, I doubled the ante when I found that card.

I've always been the nostalgic sort. I'm sure I always will. But will there come a time when I'm not looking back as often as I do now?
Tags: alex
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