August 19th, 2009

xray

It's 2 AM and I must be lonely...

I may not be writing, but I haven't stopped thinking. I think about everything -- sometimes twice.

It's easy to say that too much thinking is a bad thing. Crash Davis said as much in Bull Durham, "don't think, it can only hurt the ball club." But mostly, too much thinking is only a bad thing when it doesn't reveal any answers. When you figure something out, it suddenly becomes worth the effort.

So, what have I figured out?

Whatever problem I've had over the last four years can probably be traced back to my inability to surrender or be vulnerable or to say whatever it was I was truly thinking or feeling.

That would probably strike a lot of people I know as strange. To them, I'm among the most out-spoken people around. I'm known for voicing my opinion despite the risks and charging ahead, occasionally making enemies along the way. But what people seem to be and what they really are isn't always the same. For as many of my opinions as I spew, I hold nearly as many back.

There's a much more fragile side of me that exists and I have decided that most of the things that have tripped me up in my past can be traced to that side.

God, I love a revelation.

  • Current Mood: drunk slightly intoxicated
  • Current Music: Silence
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WNL

WNL-LXXX: "I can feel the sting of summer on my skin"

I'm doing my best to enjoy the perks of adult living, so I don't usually find myself wishing to be in school again. But every once in a while, a three-month summer vacation wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. This week's return to WNL is in honor of summer vacations from school and the magic they can create. If you're still enjoying them, soak 'em up... They're about as far from reality as you can get.

Walking along beneath the lights of that miracle mile
Me and Mary making our way into the night
You can hear the cries from the carnival rides
The pinball bells and the ski-ball slides
Watching the summer sun fall out of sight


There's a warm wind coming in from off of the ocean
Making its way past the hotel walls to fill the street
Mary is holding both of her shoes in her hand
Says she likes to feel the sand beneath her feet

And in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine

There's a local band playing at the Seaside Pavilion
And I got just enough cash to get us in
And as we're dancing Mary's wrapping her arms around me
And I can feel the sting of summer on my skin

In the midst of the music, I tell her I love her
We both laugh 'cause we know it isn't true
Ah but Mary there's a summer drawing to an end tonight
And there's so much that I long to do to you

But in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine
And in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine
Mary, I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine



-Anything But Mine
Scooter Carusoe

  • Current Mood: content content
  • Current Music: Anything But Mine / Kenny Chesney
WNL

WNL-LXXX: The Prologue

Although you wouldn't know it by the weather, summer is coming to an end in this part of the world. The football players have been in two-a-days for a couple of weeks and schools are cranking up for another fall.  Although I've got plenty of friends and kin folk teaching school, the one noticeable change for me is my commute time. When school is out, it takes me about 20 minutes to drive from the firehouse to home. Once the soccer moms' SUVs and school busses fill the streets, the trip can jump up to 40 or 45 minutes. I hate school. Heh.

If you've been following me for a while, you know that I wasn't much of a student. I think I was smart enough -- at least, the standardized tests said as much. It's just that I wasn't big on things like homework and studying and putting other parts of my life on hold for school. I've been told those were important issues. Somehow, I managed to get through college and get my degree. It only took me six years and three universities to make it happen.

For the most part, I think that life takes its course based on the culmination of many small decisions. Every once in a while, though, you get to make one of those decisions that changes your entire life. I made one of those in the Fall of 1996. After exactly one semester at the school I thought was going to be the perfect fit for me, I transferred out.

Throughout my entire senior year of high school, I had this one university picked out. It was four hours from home -- which seemed like the ideal distance. They had a pretty strong radio & television program, which appealed to me because I wanted to remain in journalism without having to smell the ink. I took the ACT only twice because on my second try, I scored just high enough for a free ride. The stage was set for me. It was the best arrangement possible. And then my mom & I made the drive up to campus for freshman orientation and the first day of school.

One day before that trip, I was probably convinced that I was the most sage 18-year-old on the planet. However, when it came time to say goodbye to my momma and face college all by my lonesome, an 18-month-old might have been more stoic. I was scared shitless. My mom, who had raised me by herself for the seven years prior, was pretty scared, too. I don't hold it against her, but she planted the seed in my head that I could come home whenever I wanted to... That she would support me if I decided that school wasn't the place for me... And so I started day one of my college career looking for an "exit strategy." It didn't take me long to put one together.

I sometimes wonder what would have been different had I stayed there.

The answer is easy... Everything.

Staying would likely mean a much different relationship with Jessie -- one way or the other. It means I would have never met Alex or Lindsay or Jonathan or the dozens of other people who were so important to me when I finally found my college home. Crazy enough, it would most certainly mean no fire department. I didn't become seriously interested in becoming a firefighter until covering them for the local paper after leaving that first school. Who knows... I might have actually gone into radio or television. With the economy and the 24-hour news cycle ruining journalism, I can't imagine how miserable I would be today.

The crazy thing about it is that even knowing that so many good things happened in my life because I bailed, I would discourage anyone in my shoes to do the same. More is learned by staying the course, I would tell them. Quitting is easy for a reason. Hopefully, they would follow my advice and learn many lessons in the process... But at what cost? That's the gamble of waking up every morning and getting out of bed. We never know where the decisions we make today will lead us.

  • Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
  • Current Music: Silence
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