May 27th, 2005

test pattern

I am not her baby's daddy.

Jessie has a cat.

It was after 1am Thursday morning before we had things fueled back up, the quarters cleaned and reports written from a batch of runs late Wednesday night. When setting the alarm on my cell phone, I noticed that Jessie had called twice. Without listening to either of the voicemails she left, I called her back.

The minute details of the story aren't important. The jist of things is that a friend of Jessie's brother-in-law had a cat to give away. Jessie took them up on the offer. I'll be honest. I didn't see this coming. After talking to her sister earier today, I guess there were signs that Jessie wanted a pet... but I sure as hell didn't see them. I also learned that Jessie wasn't happy when I sounded "less than thrilled" at her announcement.

Well, it was damn near two in the friggin' morning. I was tired. I was expecting Jessie to visit the next day. And then, boom! Here's a cat. It's hard for me to do the excited thing when I'm pooped. It's also pretty hard to get excited about a cat. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a cat hater. I like cats -- when they belong to OTHER PEOPLE. I'm feeling the heat of engagement on my neck, but Jessie essentially added a kid to our relationship without letting me in on things. If the relationship we have is supposed to progress, the cat will have to be *my* cat. I realize that I don't have veto power over Jessie's life... but I'd like to be included in the discussion.

I feel a bit left out... a bit confused... a bit uncertain.
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    Once In A Blue Moon / Earl Thomas Conley
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As I was wrapping up my last post, Jessie called. She's upset.

She was supposed to come visit me yesterday and today. With the new cat, she didn't. When someone asked why she had't come to Franklin, she began to doubt getting the cat. It's easy to say that she's now overflowing with doubt. As a result, I feel like absolute crap.

I can not stand to hear her cry. It tears me up. And I feel bad that she now doubts her decision, but I feel a thousand times worse that her doubts are because she couldn't visit me. It's like Jessie went and got something that she really wanted... but because that something kept her from visiting me just this once, she now doubts having gotten it. I can't take that. That's pressure on me. That ranks me too high. I have a huge knot in my stomach right now. I feel sick.

I invited her and the cat to Franklin.

What have I done? What am I in the middle of? Why do I have a feeling of impending doom and/or drama?
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    It's Getting Better All The Time / Brooks & Dunn
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