January 27th, 2004

check engine soon

You don't have to read this... it's just more of the same.

I'm so lost right now. I've tried writing. I've tried talking. I've considered crawling into a ball in the corner. I've thought about banging my head into the wall until I'm unconscious. I'm totally fucked up because I know that my life is wonderful... and that I'm so blessed... that there are others not as fortunate as I. Yet, there are these huge chunks of life that I can't make sense of for periods longer than a few minutes.

"...I've got a lot of shit that just seems to be hovering in the air above my head. I'm left here wondering what's gonna fall and if it'll hit me hard enough to kill me." - Thomas Fletcher, October 4, 2001.

I'm sitting here with a card Alex wrote just last week that reads, "No matter what happens, you will always be a part of me. When [we're lying together], we mold into one... not knowing where one ends and the other begins." But then there is the e-mail she sent today that says things like: "I feel I’m not good enough for you and maybe I’m not and that’s why you aren’t willing to risk the chance on me. Everyone keeps telling me it’s obvious you care deeply and want more from me. I think I truly believed this once. I’ve lost that hope."

How the fuck am I supposed to decide anything with those sorts of things being thrown at me. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. A hole is the only real option I have. I feel as though I have no place to turn. Sure, I've got a ton of friends... but none of the ones I need right now are here. And I need them right here... right in front of me. I need to feel the connection. I need them to see how this stresses the fuck out of me. I need a shoulder on which to cry. I need someone that can help me sort out a problem that only I could be stupid enough to get myself into. (I promise that I saw none of this coming.) I need to someone to show me the way. Because I've got a best friend that loves me and wants to date me... and I've got a friend that loves me and says that if we don't date, we can't even be friends anymore. The more I look at the situation... the more I realize how much I'm going to lose regardless of the choices I make. And that almost makes it worth it to decide nothing... And to crawl into my hole.
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