December 17th, 2002

test pattern

CAUTION: Rambling Ahead

My pay periods at work are 106 hours every two weeks. I haven't worked a full pay period (because of time off) since before Thanksgiving. In my copious amounts of time off, I've managed to not write, neglect many of my friends and develop a general slacker mentality.

Now, with about a week to go until Christmas... I'm way the hell behind. I haven't soaked up enough of the holiday. I've not bought gifts for many of my friends and some of my family. I still have a pack of Christmas cards waiting to be written, stamped & sent.

In less than two hours, I'll be 25. I'm not sure what significance that has on my life. After a quarter of a century, I still don't want to grow up. :-) Yet, as a kid... I probably figured that I'd have a better idea of where I was headed by this age than I do. Oh, yes... I've got my dream job. But life is more than work, eh?

I have great fears at this age about someday being forced to "settle" for so many things in life... but especially in the love department. Three years removed from a relationship doomed to failure with a person that had trouble telling me the truth about everything... I still miss the way she made me feel during our special time together. And it confuses me when I find people that I would love to spend time with... people who are honest with me... people who love me... but whom don't make me feel that same sort of special. That frustrates me.

Of course, I'm more headstrong than a lot of people my age... And I wonder if that might keep me from getting along with *anyone* long enough to have a meaningful relationship.

The ghosts of my father's relationship past haunt me often. I see many of his bad traits popping up in me... And that scares me and saddens me. I have every reason to believe that he cheated on my mother before they divorced... And, once upon a time, I did the very same thing. My dad has been married three times. I don't want that life. Of course, I was born in his second marriage... So had he not had that life, I wouldn't be here.

By the time *she* was 25, my Mom had left college before getting her degree, gotten married and was probably having a pretty good time trying to conceive me. In my mind, I consider myself to be better off than that... But I hate to feel that way... Because had she not dropped out of school & gotten married, she might not have had me.

Without me, the whole world would be worse off, right? :-)

I've got a million things running around in my head. They would all make great entries... but it seems like they are all rolling around a bit too fast to catch & put down on paper. I can only manage to catch little bits here and there. That should explain this entry.

I know in my heart that I'm better off than I was six months ago... And that makes it sort of exciting to wonder where I'll be six months from now. Good change makes you feel like you're living life and this is a feeling I haven't had in several years. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know where I'm headed and that all of the change is giving me motion sickness. Of course, I don't want to complain... 'Cause this beats the hell out of being stuck in a rut.

At this time last year, we still didn't have a tree up in the living room because we were still cleaning/painting from the fire. I remember being pissed off about not having a tree up for my birthday. A year later... With one more year under my belt... That seems so petty. I'm glad that I've grown in that way. I hope that growth continues. Growing should never, ever stop.

Looking back at this time last year, it seems like so long ago. I graduated college. I found a job. I moved away. I began a career and somewhat of a new life. A lot of stuff has happened... And I'm sitting here thinking about the cool stuff that could happen in the year to come... I'm caught somewhere between excited and afraid. I hope I do a better job of writing it all down in 2003 than I did in 2002. As much as I love to tell you guys about what's happening in my life, it's even more fun to go back and read entries from the past.

I wonder what I'll be thinking when I sit down in December 2003 and take a look at this one.
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