As a matter of fact, I think my body of this problem knew long before my mind did. After returning from a 3 a.m. chest pains run Monday morning, I was plenty sleepy but could not get comfortable in bed. I tried every position that I've been known to sleep in for the past year or two -- even trying combinations of positions -- and nothing worked. I wanted to sleep. I needed to sleep. But it was a while before my body would allow it to happen. Even when I did sleep, it wasn't comfortable sleep.
Monday afternoon, I suddenly became antsy. My mind raced in a thousand different directions at once. I was thinking about my job. My life. My wedding. My life after a wedding. Things I should have done in life already. Things I still want to do. My direction. My lack of direction. The voices in my head were driving me crazy.
About an hour before sunset, I went out to a park near here to literally exercise the demons from my brain. I've been trying to get started on a bit of interval training and it usually helps clear my mind. That wasn't the case today. Even with a good workout behind me -- and this was the best of the handful I've done in the last few weeks -- my brain was still going places on its own.
I think the root -- but certainly not the entirety -- of this unsettledness is two-fold. First, Jessie and I made a short trip to Memphis Friday & Saturday and had a decent enough time. And then, click, I go off to work Sunday morning and she goes back home. The shift between My Two LivesTM is becoming harder to make. It's rough going back and forth between the me I am with Jessie and the me I am without her. And I guess there shouldn't be two versions of myself... but there are. And I don't have the money to pay a head shrinker to figure out why.
The other issue is the fact that the local ambulance authority called me Monday afternoon to offer me an interview. I've contemplated applying for a part-time job there since I became an EMT with the fire department and finally did it last fall. I could certainly use the money and the experience of riding a metropolitan ambulance will certainly help me be better on a fire engine in the suburbs. However, there is a skills test as part of the interview. I've been an EMT for only three years, but that's been long enough for me to bastardize the textbook skills to suite my own needs and the environment I work in. On the job, I can get it done. However, I'm worried about my ability to do it to perfection in a controlled environment in front people that could help my life improve professionally and financially.
ETA (0037 CDT): After some thought, I guess I'll add this to the pile. I've had a few hang-ups on my answering machine at home and a pair of "private calls" on my cell phone lately. I actually answered one of the private calls a couple of weeks ago, heard what sounded like someone driving in a car and then they hung up. I'm not sure who this is... If it's coincidence from wrong numbers... If someone is trying to screw with me... Or what. But it's happened often enough to pique my interest -- and my unsettledness.