If you've been reading me for more than, oh, a day or two... You know that I'm just a bit different. So different in fact that I once wrote a "If I Die, Read This" letter and left it on my computer desktop. What can I say? There was a period there where I just couldn't see me making it through the day. I'm glad to have those times behind me.
In February 2004, I made an addendum to that letter. There was something in my mind that needed to be on paper somewhere.
ADDENDUM - 0300 CST, 12 FEB 04
... Actually, the greatest day of my life would have to be the day I met Jessie. Of course, the actual meeting was unremarkable... as it probably happened on the bus when I really didn't know who she was. But knowing her has made my life immeasurable amounts more enjoyable. So many good things in my life can be traced to having known her. Quite possibly she is my greatest blessing to date.
For as long as Jessie & I have been friends, I've been trying to make sense of our relationship. It's hard to make sense of anything in this world -- good or bad. So, I have no idea why I ever thought I could disassemble and understand the connection we share. It happens -- through the magic of nature and the blessings of God. Sometimes, that's just gotta be enough to satisfy you. Sometimes, there aren't any deeper answers.
It's important to learn what you can and then take what you know and go with it.
I know that there is no person on this earth that loves me like Jessie does. She shows that love in every way possible -- publicly and privately, tangibly and intangibly. In the last decade, there has been only one constant outside of family -- Jessie. Times have been good and times have been bad. Through it all, the two of us keep coming back to each other. She consoled me when I crushed for (and was subsequently rejected by) her sister. She was understanding when I was full of anger and angst late in high school. She was a big reason why I finished my degree at Oakdale. She supported me fulfilling my dream and becoming a firefighter. She sat back and watch me try to figure out life on my own, which included a laundry list of other women. Few of those women are still around. That says something. Even though we both have the ability to piss the ever loving shit out of the other... We've always apologized and moved on -- sometimes when it really wasn't our fault. We are partners is so much that we do. She saw the passion I had for continuing the family tradition of fireworks and jumped in head first. One might say that she now runs the operation. That comes from dedication to the cause and dedication to me. I'm the luckiest man in the world to have a best friend like that. I know that if I sit around waiting for the right moment to come along, it won't. I know that if the two of us haven't parted ways yet, we likely never will. And I know that when two people are in a relationship that strong... It might just be the relationship.
Yes, I said the relationship.
I'm never going to know if this is it unless we give it a try. We've done the friends things. We've done the friends with benefits thing. We've done the dating thing. There's only one place left to go. And if there ever was a time, it's now. Whew. How exciting and scary -- at the same time -- is this revelation?