So back to committing... Back to having to make a choice...
My spiel about wanting to live life in the third person was dead on. I want to know all of the facts before I jump into something. But when you are hanging back to see what everyone else is doing and where things are heading, it means that you're not leading. Truly passionate people always lead. Passion doesn't allow any other alternative. So, if you're not ahead of the pack... You're probably not passionate about what you're doing. How can any romantic relationship begin without passion? It can't. Thus, one of my problems.
The other big problem relating to the "third person" is that the next stage in my relationship with Jessie -- engagement -- is a giant leap of faith. I can't see over the edge of the cliff, but she wants me to not only hop over it... but do it with a running start, too. As I've told her, we haven't even lived in the same town since 2002. The only time we see each other is when one of us is on vacation. Either I'm visiting her while she works and I bum around or vice versa. When she's not here, I live a different life. My schedule is different. My eating is different. My activities are different. My sleep habits are different. Because we live two hours apart, I never get the chance to call her up and go to lunch spur of the moment. I can't just up and take her to a movie on a whim. I wonder if the leap from living separate lives in separate places to being man and wife is too great. Third person is the guy watching the cartoon. First person just might be The Coyote. As much as I think a lasting relationship with Jessie would be a good thing, I don't want to end up at the bottom of the ravine.
But risk is a consequence of passion -- perhaps even a benefit. Without those two things, you never achieve anything in life. As hard as it is, I must remember that.