Monday night, I went through the "Between Deadlines" archives to look at some old posts. I stumbled across a phone post that I'd saved privately and evidently never listened to. In fact, I'm not sure I remember recording it on December 26 of 2004. Listening to it -- and then transcribing it -- was an interesting process. I found that what was just a random, confusing stream of consciousness then was making sense to me now. A lot of our thoughts are like that. In the present, it's like cereal that's spilled across the table and the floor. It's all there in front of us, but not in a form that we can use. Put a little time between you and your thoughts, and suddenly the cereal finds its way into a bowl.
"Notes to self here. I mean I've always been caught between... I've always found myself caught between two things. Sometimes they are self-created conflicts. Sometimes they are ones that I'm just kind of thrown into. I mean. Obviously the earliest conflict is Mom and Dad. I mean. There. Boom. Uh. You've got a funny family like mine, your gonna find yourself caught in between the two. Um... Caught between... I mean... One recently is Jessie and Alex... Caught between those two. Not that... I mean that they each represent so, so different things. Its not like -- and that's the problem with the conflict is that I'm caught be two things that aren't like good and better because then it wouldn't be a conflict. You'd just pick better. I'm always torn between choosing between apples and oranges. Uh. And that's frustrating. Even to the extent of Smallville and Franklin. Smallville and Oakdale.
"I always feel like I'm spread out over the board in different places. And I want... I'd like to be more simplistic. I'd like to be more centered. If that makes any sense. And I want to be more genuine. But the problem I see is that when I see genuine people, I see people that get hurt. They get suckered. They get lured in. Genuine to me is oblivious. And so I always have trouble I think being genuine because I want to know what's going on. I want to look at things third person and not first person. Because first person gets you in trouble. It breaks your heart. It makes you disappointed. Third person you get to see what everybody's doing. You get to be the manipulator. Not the manipulator -- that's a bad word. But you get to better decide how things turn out. That's what I've grown into. And I'm not sure that's good. Probably not. And so now I'm torn with that. You want to be genuine but at the same time you want to see the big picture and its hard to do two. So once again, I'm torn in two different spots. But anyway. That's on my mind, so I thought I'd put that out there."
People say I'm afraid to commit. That's a claim that I usually only acknowledge jokingly. But there -- in two paragraphs of completely random thoughts from a year ago -- seems to be the proof. Two things are on the table and I can't commit to either. But is it a fear? Or just a hesitation? I think there is a difference. And what does that fear or hesitation stem from?