Looking back through old entries, I can only find two sentences referencing what was probably one of the most important nights of the last year. On 25 May 2004, I write in the LiveJournal: "Jessie & I have been doing well. Things have been blossoming into a legitimate relationship, I think."
Never has an event been more poorly described than in those two sentences. But the description fits with a style I too often adopt -- vagueness. In reality, Jessie had issued me an ultimatum before my annual pilgrimage to Mardi Gras. She told me that she was tired of being just my friend. She even went so far as to make a list of my stuff that would have to be packed up from her apartment and sent to me. It wasn't a good time. Through my power of persuasion, I avoided making a decision through March and April. It's possible that I could have snuck through May, but then something happened -- May 15.
June 8, 2004
From the paper journal
I think it is important to note that last month... Jessie & I were lying here in my bed. I'm sure we were kissing... in a soft, sweet way that was avoided through much of our relationship. And I whispered, "I love you, Jessie."
It was as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Perhaps I'd wanted to say it all along. Or perhaps it really has taken nine years for love to truly develop. But, regardless... I said it. And in a way, the world stopped.
I don't think we did anything, really. Maybe we kissed, but kissing really would have been unnessary anyway. We were holding each other so close... we were practically one. And I waited. And waited. And waited.
A knot formed down in my stomach and, as it grew, it moved up into my chest. Never have I anticipated something so much as I did the words she was about to say. Regardless of what she was to say -- good, bad or indifferent... My desire to hear them grew tenfold with every passing second.
Finally. As it felt certain that the knot inside me would most certainly choke me to death... she said, "Thomas, I love you, too." For a brief moment, all was right with the world and we made love.