I went about my day, honestly expecting nothing except a good news phone call from my mom. Her diet is more peculiar than mine and I'm pretty sure I credited that with most all of her symptoms. Finally, the phone call came. She was in the hospital. The ultrasound at the doctor's office found what they thought were cysts in five areas of her abdomen. She was admitted to the hospital for pain control and so doctors could take a second look to figure out the problem. After hanging up the phone, I went into the day room and briefed my bosses, who gave me their blessings to get the hell out Dodge.

On my way out of the firehouse, I remember saying a little prayer. I tried to explain to God that at 25, I was too young to lose a parent.

By the time I made it to the small community hospital back home, it was getting dark. A couple of my mom's friends were outside of her room as I walked in. My mom was asleep and every light was off. I sat down in the chair beside her bed, propped my feet up on a second chair and just sat in the darkness. A vast uncertainty stood before me and I wondered if this was how my mom felt when facing the mortality of her own parents.

* * * * *

The next day, we met with the local surgeon. I think I'll always remember him coming into the room, clad in scrubs, walking to the side of the room between the bed and the windows -- sort of metaphorically blocking the light. He was pretty sure it was cancer. I watched my mom crumble. I watched some of her friends sign her death warrant. Even though I didn't write about it here at the time, my world sort of suspended itself at that moment.

Some moms knit. Some moms cook. My mom's hobby has often been worry. So the mere utterance of the word cancer sent that tendency into overdrive. She'd seen my aunt battle through it twice. You might think that knowing someone who'd beat it two times would be inspirational... but it also gives you twice the opportunity to know how awful the disease can be. As for some of her friends, I was frustrated that they were so ready to accept what would become a premature diagnosis. They weren't rooting for cancer by any means, but they'd already resigned themselves to that fact. Quite possibly, I would have boarded the gloom train myself except that someone had to stick around and be the optimist.

* * * * *

On the third day of the ordeal, we transferred her out of our hometown hospital and into the big city where she could be closer to me and doctors that were better equipped to handle... well... anything.

I dare say that there were more people in the atrium of the new hospital than there were patients in the old. As I walked in through the front doors, everyone in the lobby seemed to be going about their normal day. Surprisingly, nobody looked unhappy. I'd noticed this elsewhere, too. The world seemed to be going about its business without any acknowledgment of this huge thing happening in my life. My outward optimism aside, I felt as though my entire life had been derailed with the idea that my mom might have cancer. The world was running all around me and I was at a crawl.

"And everybody wants to go on laughing
when everything says it might be time to cry
But I feel alive, seeing inside my eyes -- the saddest eyes you've ever seen
And I can't let go of someone I need to know
It's not time for you to go..."

-Maureen, Fred LeBlanc

* * * * *

My story has a happy ending. The big city doctors found no cancer. After a few more days of tests and observation, she was discharged. Within a week or two, my mom was back to her old self. My prayer had been answered. I was too young to lose a parent. In the end, there were theories as to what happened. I'm not sure that any of the doctors really knew for sure. After all, there is a reason they call it practicing medicine. The important thing to me was that life resumed. I had my mom back. I no longer felt as though I was living in a world separate from everyone else.

Tonight, I can't help but wish that Alex had the opportunity to feel that very same way.

Tomorrow, for instance, is the four year anniversary of the most expensive kiss of my life.

The first half of 2004 was quite a roller coaster ride for the relationship between Alex & I. Although it was one of many that our friendship had taken over the previous six years, I worried that it would be the last ride. In fact, we'd been on an unofficial hiatus from each other when she broke the silence in late June to call and say that her daddy was dying.

When her father passed away the first week of July, I drove down to visit Alex for the first time since a Memorial Day weekend conversation ended with me deciding that a serious, committed relationship with her was something I didn't want to do. Going into that weekend, I had knots in my stomach that would rival the biggest job interview... but, in the end, it was a good weekend -- even if the occasion that brought us together wasn't.

The two of us went riding the back roads after the visitation. I joined the family for lunch before the services and sat with them during the funeral. Alex & I napped together in the afternoon, I helped move flowers from the cemetary in my truck and we sat in the living room with her family while "Amazing Race" was on. As crazy as it sounds, that show -- which I don't watch -- will always be important to me for that reason...

Sometimes, you make decisions that have the potential to change your entire life. That night, I think I made one of those decisions. Although I didn't want to leave, I thought that I needed to be at work the next day... so I decided that I had to go. Risking hyperbole, I dare say that a part of me remains in her front yard to this day. I know that four years later, I can still feel the ache when I think back to that moment.

Standing at the door to my truck, we hugged goodbye. Alex's exact words escape me at the moment, but she said something about a hug not being enough. She leaned in and kissed me. Practically wobbly on my feet from the jesture, I climbed in my truck, closed my door and waved goodbye. As I backed up, my mind was still focused on my lips and not my rearview mirror. In a matter of seconds, I'd backed my Ford F-150 square into the rear fender of her aunt's Lincoln sedan.

That kiss? It cost $1,222.49.

I walked down to the park last night
Warm breeze stirring up a soft moonlight
And my mind started drifting to way back when
Yes I do think about you every now and then

The other day I saw a car like you used to drive
I got a funny feeling down deep inside
And for the briefest moment I felt a smile begin
Yes I do think about you every now and then

I love my life and I'd never trade
Between what you and me had and the life I've made
She's here and she's real, but you were too
And every once in a while I think about you

I heard a song on the radio just yesterday
The same one you always asked me to play
And when the song was over
I wished they'd played it again
Yes I do think about you every now and then

I love my life and I'd never trade
Between what you and me had and the life I've made
She's here and she's real, but you were too
And every once in a while I think about you

I've been layin' here all night listenin' to the rain
Talkin' to my heart and tryin' to explain
Why sometimes I catch myself
Wondering what might have been
Yes I do think about you every now and then

Every Now And Then
Buddy Mundlock / Garth Brooks

     I disappeared from your life for your own good. To be in your life without committing to it was selfish for me and, most of all, unfair to you. I miss you often. There's not a week that goes by that I don't think about you. Almost as often, I think of a reunion. I wonder if it would be happy or sad or angry -- hoping for anything but angry. Months have passed. I know you have moved on. To drop in and say hello now might be out of place. But I do miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your personality. I miss your friendship. Sure, I'm happy now. I have no room to complain. I have a wife and a cat and a house and a job and purpose. But rarely does happiness come without holes. Your being gone is a hole. I can not fill it with anything I have here. I left to protect you. I stay gone to protect us both. Carrying out the latter is proving much harder than the former.

Something happened to me after that. Thoughts that had normally made no sense started to clear up. Things started to click in my brain and in my heart.

In the first week of 2006, I told her that I wasn't going to look back and that I didn't want her to, either. The past -- for better and for worse -- was what brought us to this point. Change yesterday and today could be totally different. I told her that 2006 was going to be a year for us and that the only direction I was looking was ahead. I think she agreed.

With a new perspective on life and on Jessie, it hit me -- it was time to make a decision.

(Originally written 0140 CST, 14 January 2006)

I think I was interested in Alex the moment I met her at the first newspaper staff meeting of the Fall 1998 semester. I knew only a handful of folks in Oakdale at the time, but I was positive that she was someone I wanted to add to that list. Through that first semester, we built enough of a friendship up that I asked her out shortly before Christmas break. We had our first date early in the spring semester, followed it with a couple more and then she gave me the cold shoulder.

However, you can't just shake off a connection like ours -- although we had no idea how strong it was at the time.

The Cliffs Notes version of the three years that followed go something like this... I loved to give her attention. She loved to receive it. I haven't checked Guinness, but we have to be up there in the category for longest game of tease. If it had been any other woman, I wouldn't have stuck it out like I did. Every once in a while, though, we'd somehow come together in some way that always seemed like magic. It was enough to keep me going. I spent the years leaving her special quotes for her to find in her office. We made three very fun trips on the school's dime to Baton Rouge, Atlanta & Washington, D.C. -- each one improving a dozen-fold over the previous.

College doesn't last forever, though. Our friendship weakened a bit when Alex graduated in 2001. It weakened even more when I left Oakdale a year later. To be honest, I thought Alex would become one of those "college friends." We'd call each other a couple of times a year. I figured that every now and then, we'd get together for dinner and talk about old times and how we never really explored our chemistry as a couple. We were abiding by that schedule until August 2003. After a lunch date in Oakdale and an afternoon spent riding around our old stomping grounds, she kissed me.

The kiss led to phone calls. The phone calls brought conversations like we'd never had before. The conversations led to her visiting me in Franklin. Her visit led to something. I wasn't sure what it was at the time. I'm not sure what it was now. I know that we both had strong feelings for each other, but in typical Fletch fashion... I locked up. I pulled away. I wanted to be vague and non-committal. As Alex & I drifted in Limbo Land, Jessie started putting demands on me. She wanted us to be more than friends. She wanted us in a serious, committed relationship -- or else. I was completely confused.

After being cramped up in Franklin since 2003 became 2004, I headed down to south Louisiana for Mardi Gras on February 19th. The long road trip -- with an overnight pit stop to see Alex in Oakdale -- was good for my soul. Being among old friends was good for my soul. Being away from work, from home, from Franklin, from the relationship stress was all good for my soul. And one night, I sat down at the computer at Zoe's apartment and started writing.. By the time I'd finished the Deadline Pressure entry for Fat Tuesday 2004, I'd decided that I was going to start a relationship with Jessie.

Alex came up in April. She knew that she was swinging on a thin string between friendship and relationship. Although I tugged at that string a bit during her visit, I didn't cut it like I should have. However, we did have talks about how we probably wouldn't work out... And how we'd probably end up as just as we once thought we would -- as "college friends." Because of that, I thought our kiss goodbye on that trip was symbolic. On May 15, I told Jessie that I loved her and then we made love. It was real, sincere and passionate -- something that had been missing in our years-long friendship with benefits. During my drive home on Memorial Day weekend, I finally told Alex that it wasn't going to work between she and I. She complained that she never got a chance. I didn't really listen to her much. I just let her talk. I'd made my decision and I didn't want to be swayed.

For the most part, life was just okay for a while. Jessie & I did our thing. Alex & I talked every once in a while. As late as June of last year, it looked like Alex and I were both in serious relationships -- with other people -- and were happy. Things were going along as they could be expected to... and then came the hurricanes.

Monday night, I went through the "Between Deadlines" archives to look at some old posts. I stumbled across a phone post that I'd saved privately and evidently never listened to. In fact, I'm not sure I remember recording it on December 26 of 2004. Listening to it -- and then transcribing it -- was an interesting process. I found that what was just a random, confusing stream of consciousness then was making sense to me now. A lot of our thoughts are like that. In the present, it's like cereal that's spilled across the table and the floor. It's all there in front of us, but not in a form that we can use. Put a little time between you and your thoughts, and suddenly the cereal finds its way into a bowl.

"Notes to self here. I mean I've always been caught between... I've always found myself caught between two things. Sometimes they are self-created conflicts. Sometimes they are ones that I'm just kind of thrown into. I mean. Obviously the earliest conflict is Mom and Dad. I mean. There. Boom. Uh. You've got a funny family like mine, your gonna find yourself caught in between the two. Um... Caught between... I mean... One recently is Jessie and Alex... Caught between those two. Not that... I mean that they each represent so, so different things. Its not like -- and that's the problem with the conflict is that I'm caught be two things that aren't like good and better because then it wouldn't be a conflict. You'd just pick better. I'm always torn between choosing between apples and oranges. Uh. And that's frustrating. Even to the extent of Smallville and Franklin. Smallville and Oakdale.

"I always feel like I'm spread out over the board in different places. And I want... I'd like to be more simplistic. I'd like to be more centered. If that makes any sense. And I want to be more genuine. But the problem I see is that when I see genuine people, I see people that get hurt. They get suckered. They get lured in. Genuine to me is oblivious. And so I always have trouble I think being genuine because I want to know what's going on. I want to look at things third person and not first person. Because first person gets you in trouble. It breaks your heart. It makes you disappointed. Third person you get to see what everybody's doing. You get to be the manipulator. Not the manipulator -- that's a bad word. But you get to better decide how things turn out. That's what I've grown into. And I'm not sure that's good. Probably not. And so now I'm torn with that. You want to be genuine but at the same time you want to see the big picture and its hard to do two. So once again, I'm torn in two different spots. But anyway. That's on my mind, so I thought I'd put that out there."

People say I'm afraid to commit. That's a claim that I usually only acknowledge jokingly. But there -- in two paragraphs of completely random thoughts from a year ago -- seems to be the proof. Two things are on the table and I can't commit to either. But is it a fear? Or just a hesitation? I think there is a difference. And what does that fear or hesitation stem from?

In the early days, there was the confusion that comes with falling for a habitual and compulsive liar. Then there was the indecision about my future -- journalism, firefighting or none of the above. Always in the background was the long-standing shade of gray known as my relationship with Jessie. A couple of years ago, I threw in a new relationship with Alex into the mix to make things as complicated as possible.

I'm certainly not gaining many readers with entries about these issues. And because it seems to take so terribly long to sort them out, I often wonder if writing -- both online and at home -- is doing much good.

To be continued...

After she called, my phone broke. It's cost me $75 to replace. Perhaps that's a sign.

Deadline Pressure updated!
"I've been to a few funerals in my time and I can't think of one that wasn't lovely. Yet, there was something special about Mr. Clarence's service that got to me. Alex maintained a strong appearance throughout the funeral. On the other hand, I thought I was going to break down at any moment."

Entry: [ 26 July 2004 ]

Deadline Pressure updated!
"It was 12:44 a.m. when the phone rang. With one look at the clock, my mind instantly spun the wheel of who it could be at this hour. It settled on Alex. I knew the news couldn't be good."

Entry: [ 8 July 2004 ]

I'd have to go back and check my archives (which I have neither the time or energy to do), but I think this just might be my slowest month ever on LiveJournal. Here it is the 25th and I'm up to a whooping three entries. Wow. I hope I didn't wreak too much havoc on your friends page.

To bring you up to speed quickly...

• Jessie & I went to visit my Aunt Sis May 15-19. I thought she was doing well considering the circumstances. She had enrolled in a hospice program, but was well enough to live on her own.
• Jessie & I have been doing well. Things have been blossoming into a legitimate relationship, I think.
• Alex has been wierd off and on. Clingy one day with many e-mails and standoffish the next.
• I spent the weekend with old friends in Oakdale for graduation. I can now count the people I know in college there on one hand, I think. However, I now know a whole bunch of people with advanced degrees. Hanging out with smart people makes me want to get my master's.
• Don't believe that last sentence. Sure, I'd like it... if they mailed it to me today. You know, without having to have earned it. But go back to school? Me? One day, perhaps. Not today.
• This weekend, I'm going to see Doc earn the name she's had in my journal for the last four years. After this weekend, I'll be able to count a real, live medical doctor among my friends.
• My mom called yesterday afternoon. She told me that my Aunt Sis has decided that she doesn't want to live on her own anymore. She's going to enter a hospice care center. Just as with everything else about my aunt's condition... I just don't know how I feel right now.
• Summer craziness is just beginning.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm off to Smallville to talk with some folks that want me to shoot fireworks there for July 4th. I have a feeling that this is going to be an interesting summer. This will be the fourth summer I've had my journal. Maybe this year, I'll honor yesteryear and write nearly every day like I did four years ago. Nah. I'm sure you guys think this three times a month stuff is much, much better.