I walked down to the park last night
Warm breeze stirring up a soft moonlight
And my mind started drifting to way back when
Yes I do think about you every now and then

The other day I saw a car like you used to drive
I got a funny feeling down deep inside
And for the briefest moment I felt a smile begin
Yes I do think about you every now and then

I love my life and I'd never trade
Between what you and me had and the life I've made
She's here and she's real, but you were too
And every once in a while I think about you

I heard a song on the radio just yesterday
The same one you always asked me to play
And when the song was over
I wished they'd played it again
Yes I do think about you every now and then

I love my life and I'd never trade
Between what you and me had and the life I've made
She's here and she's real, but you were too
And every once in a while I think about you

I've been layin' here all night listenin' to the rain
Talkin' to my heart and tryin' to explain
Why sometimes I catch myself
Wondering what might have been
Yes I do think about you every now and then

Every Now And Then
Buddy Mundlock / Garth Brooks

     I disappeared from your life for your own good. To be in your life without committing to it was selfish for me and, most of all, unfair to you. I miss you often. There's not a week that goes by that I don't think about you. Almost as often, I think of a reunion. I wonder if it would be happy or sad or angry -- hoping for anything but angry. Months have passed. I know you have moved on. To drop in and say hello now might be out of place. But I do miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your personality. I miss your friendship. Sure, I'm happy now. I have no room to complain. I have a wife and a cat and a house and a job and purpose. But rarely does happiness come without holes. Your being gone is a hole. I can not fill it with anything I have here. I left to protect you. I stay gone to protect us both. Carrying out the latter is proving much harder than the former.

Something happened to me after that. Thoughts that had normally made no sense started to clear up. Things started to click in my brain and in my heart.

In the first week of 2006, I told her that I wasn't going to look back and that I didn't want her to, either. The past -- for better and for worse -- was what brought us to this point. Change yesterday and today could be totally different. I told her that 2006 was going to be a year for us and that the only direction I was looking was ahead. I think she agreed.

With a new perspective on life and on Jessie, it hit me -- it was time to make a decision.

(Originally written 0140 CST, 14 January 2006)

I think I was interested in Alex the moment I met her at the first newspaper staff meeting of the Fall 1998 semester. I knew only a handful of folks in Oakdale at the time, but I was positive that she was someone I wanted to add to that list. Through that first semester, we built enough of a friendship up that I asked her out shortly before Christmas break. We had our first date early in the spring semester, followed it with a couple more and then she gave me the cold shoulder.

However, you can't just shake off a connection like ours -- although we had no idea how strong it was at the time.

The Cliffs Notes version of the three years that followed go something like this... I loved to give her attention. She loved to receive it. I haven't checked Guinness, but we have to be up there in the category for longest game of tease. If it had been any other woman, I wouldn't have stuck it out like I did. Every once in a while, though, we'd somehow come together in some way that always seemed like magic. It was enough to keep me going. I spent the years leaving her special quotes for her to find in her office. We made three very fun trips on the school's dime to Baton Rouge, Atlanta & Washington, D.C. -- each one improving a dozen-fold over the previous.

College doesn't last forever, though. Our friendship weakened a bit when Alex graduated in 2001. It weakened even more when I left Oakdale a year later. To be honest, I thought Alex would become one of those "college friends." We'd call each other a couple of times a year. I figured that every now and then, we'd get together for dinner and talk about old times and how we never really explored our chemistry as a couple. We were abiding by that schedule until August 2003. After a lunch date in Oakdale and an afternoon spent riding around our old stomping grounds, she kissed me.

The kiss led to phone calls. The phone calls brought conversations like we'd never had before. The conversations led to her visiting me in Franklin. Her visit led to something. I wasn't sure what it was at the time. I'm not sure what it was now. I know that we both had strong feelings for each other, but in typical Fletch fashion... I locked up. I pulled away. I wanted to be vague and non-committal. As Alex & I drifted in Limbo Land, Jessie started putting demands on me. She wanted us to be more than friends. She wanted us in a serious, committed relationship -- or else. I was completely confused.

After being cramped up in Franklin since 2003 became 2004, I headed down to south Louisiana for Mardi Gras on February 19th. The long road trip -- with an overnight pit stop to see Alex in Oakdale -- was good for my soul. Being among old friends was good for my soul. Being away from work, from home, from Franklin, from the relationship stress was all good for my soul. And one night, I sat down at the computer at Zoe's apartment and started writing.. By the time I'd finished the Deadline Pressure entry for Fat Tuesday 2004, I'd decided that I was going to start a relationship with Jessie.

Alex came up in April. She knew that she was swinging on a thin string between friendship and relationship. Although I tugged at that string a bit during her visit, I didn't cut it like I should have. However, we did have talks about how we probably wouldn't work out... And how we'd probably end up as just as we once thought we would -- as "college friends." Because of that, I thought our kiss goodbye on that trip was symbolic. On May 15, I told Jessie that I loved her and then we made love. It was real, sincere and passionate -- something that had been missing in our years-long friendship with benefits. During my drive home on Memorial Day weekend, I finally told Alex that it wasn't going to work between she and I. She complained that she never got a chance. I didn't really listen to her much. I just let her talk. I'd made my decision and I didn't want to be swayed.

For the most part, life was just okay for a while. Jessie & I did our thing. Alex & I talked every once in a while. As late as June of last year, it looked like Alex and I were both in serious relationships -- with other people -- and were happy. Things were going along as they could be expected to... and then came the hurricanes.

Monday night, I went through the "Between Deadlines" archives to look at some old posts. I stumbled across a phone post that I'd saved privately and evidently never listened to. In fact, I'm not sure I remember recording it on December 26 of 2004. Listening to it -- and then transcribing it -- was an interesting process. I found that what was just a random, confusing stream of consciousness then was making sense to me now. A lot of our thoughts are like that. In the present, it's like cereal that's spilled across the table and the floor. It's all there in front of us, but not in a form that we can use. Put a little time between you and your thoughts, and suddenly the cereal finds its way into a bowl.

"Notes to self here. I mean I've always been caught between... I've always found myself caught between two things. Sometimes they are self-created conflicts. Sometimes they are ones that I'm just kind of thrown into. I mean. Obviously the earliest conflict is Mom and Dad. I mean. There. Boom. Uh. You've got a funny family like mine, your gonna find yourself caught in between the two. Um... Caught between... I mean... One recently is Jessie and Alex... Caught between those two. Not that... I mean that they each represent so, so different things. Its not like -- and that's the problem with the conflict is that I'm caught be two things that aren't like good and better because then it wouldn't be a conflict. You'd just pick better. I'm always torn between choosing between apples and oranges. Uh. And that's frustrating. Even to the extent of Smallville and Franklin. Smallville and Oakdale.

"I always feel like I'm spread out over the board in different places. And I want... I'd like to be more simplistic. I'd like to be more centered. If that makes any sense. And I want to be more genuine. But the problem I see is that when I see genuine people, I see people that get hurt. They get suckered. They get lured in. Genuine to me is oblivious. And so I always have trouble I think being genuine because I want to know what's going on. I want to look at things third person and not first person. Because first person gets you in trouble. It breaks your heart. It makes you disappointed. Third person you get to see what everybody's doing. You get to be the manipulator. Not the manipulator -- that's a bad word. But you get to better decide how things turn out. That's what I've grown into. And I'm not sure that's good. Probably not. And so now I'm torn with that. You want to be genuine but at the same time you want to see the big picture and its hard to do two. So once again, I'm torn in two different spots. But anyway. That's on my mind, so I thought I'd put that out there."

People say I'm afraid to commit. That's a claim that I usually only acknowledge jokingly. But there -- in two paragraphs of completely random thoughts from a year ago -- seems to be the proof. Two things are on the table and I can't commit to either. But is it a fear? Or just a hesitation? I think there is a difference. And what does that fear or hesitation stem from?

In the early days, there was the confusion that comes with falling for a habitual and compulsive liar. Then there was the indecision about my future -- journalism, firefighting or none of the above. Always in the background was the long-standing shade of gray known as my relationship with Jessie. A couple of years ago, I threw in a new relationship with Alex into the mix to make things as complicated as possible.

I'm certainly not gaining many readers with entries about these issues. And because it seems to take so terribly long to sort them out, I often wonder if writing -- both online and at home -- is doing much good.

To be continued...

After she called, my phone broke. It's cost me $75 to replace. Perhaps that's a sign.

Deadline Pressure updated!
"I've been to a few funerals in my time and I can't think of one that wasn't lovely. Yet, there was something special about Mr. Clarence's service that got to me. Alex maintained a strong appearance throughout the funeral. On the other hand, I thought I was going to break down at any moment."

Entry: [ 26 July 2004 ]