I've found myself. So, forgive me for trying to soak it up a bit.
I've spent so many hours in the last few months "looking" for me -- the real me. I've long felt that he had been lost somewhere. Perhaps he was lost in the politics and bullshit of trying to build a fledgling fire department. Lost in the confusion that is my love life. Lost in the many emotions stemming from the hurricanes that have hit my beloved Louisiana. Lost in time between the memories I cherish and the world in which it seems hard to make new ones.
But tonight, for the first time in so very long, I've found him.
He lies within good jazz, cold beer and the reflections of candles on walls that deserve art. And for the first time in just as long, I'm happy. This is a wonderful feeling. Better even than the time spent with those that love me in a romantic way... Because in finding myself, there is no confusion. There is no conflict. There is just rejoicing.
There is a reason that I stay up until the wee hours of the morning. Somewhere along the way, I got bogged down in the details of life and forgot what that reason was. The reason is to write... To create... To feel strong emotion for the life we're all blessed to have. I am most certainly not a night owl for the infomercials. How is it possible that I lost sight of that?
In the pit of confusion that was the year 2000, writing was my only solace. It gave me direction. Through the creation of an online journal, I found sanity. I used to bask in the glow of those sane moments... until I somehow managed to lose them. Tonight, and perhaps only tonight, I've gotten it all back. And although I must be at work in less than six hours, I want nothing more than to hold on to how I feel at this exact moment.
This feeling... It makes all of the other stuff go away.