Every time I see you lookin' my way
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
In the car or walking down the highway
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?

When you move up closer to me
I get a feelin' that's ooo-wee
Can't you hear the poundin' of my heartbeat
'Cause you're the one I love, you're the one I love

When I feel you put your arms around me
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
Then I'm glad, I'm mighty glad I found you
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?

When you asked me to meet your Ma
I knew that baby, we'd be going far
Can't you hear the poundin' of my heartbeat?
'Cause you're the one I love, you're the one I love

All my friends are cryin' out to meet you
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
Now's the time to go and see the preacher
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?

Wedding bells are gonna chime
Baby, baby, you're gonna be mine
Can't you hear the poundin' of my heartbeat
'Cause you're the one I love, you're the one I love

Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?

-Can't You Hear My Heartbeat
John Carter / Ken Lewis

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

"I'm so tired,
but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge
of something much too deep
Funny how I feel so much,
but cannot say a word
We are screaming inside
Oh... but we can't be heard"

So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes
She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've laid with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give up nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried

Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
'Cause I was almost honest

-Almost Honest
Josh Kelley

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whereever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

-The Reason Why
Rachael Yamagata

I went about my day, honestly expecting nothing except a good news phone call from my mom. Her diet is more peculiar than mine and I'm pretty sure I credited that with most all of her symptoms. Finally, the phone call came. She was in the hospital. The ultrasound at the doctor's office found what they thought were cysts in five areas of her abdomen. She was admitted to the hospital for pain control and so doctors could take a second look to figure out the problem. After hanging up the phone, I went into the day room and briefed my bosses, who gave me their blessings to get the hell out Dodge.

On my way out of the firehouse, I remember saying a little prayer. I tried to explain to God that at 25, I was too young to lose a parent.

By the time I made it to the small community hospital back home, it was getting dark. A couple of my mom's friends were outside of her room as I walked in. My mom was asleep and every light was off. I sat down in the chair beside her bed, propped my feet up on a second chair and just sat in the darkness. A vast uncertainty stood before me and I wondered if this was how my mom felt when facing the mortality of her own parents.

* * * * *

The next day, we met with the local surgeon. I think I'll always remember him coming into the room, clad in scrubs, walking to the side of the room between the bed and the windows -- sort of metaphorically blocking the light. He was pretty sure it was cancer. I watched my mom crumble. I watched some of her friends sign her death warrant. Even though I didn't write about it here at the time, my world sort of suspended itself at that moment.

Some moms knit. Some moms cook. My mom's hobby has often been worry. So the mere utterance of the word cancer sent that tendency into overdrive. She'd seen my aunt battle through it twice. You might think that knowing someone who'd beat it two times would be inspirational... but it also gives you twice the opportunity to know how awful the disease can be. As for some of her friends, I was frustrated that they were so ready to accept what would become a premature diagnosis. They weren't rooting for cancer by any means, but they'd already resigned themselves to that fact. Quite possibly, I would have boarded the gloom train myself except that someone had to stick around and be the optimist.

* * * * *

On the third day of the ordeal, we transferred her out of our hometown hospital and into the big city where she could be closer to me and doctors that were better equipped to handle... well... anything.

I dare say that there were more people in the atrium of the new hospital than there were patients in the old. As I walked in through the front doors, everyone in the lobby seemed to be going about their normal day. Surprisingly, nobody looked unhappy. I'd noticed this elsewhere, too. The world seemed to be going about its business without any acknowledgment of this huge thing happening in my life. My outward optimism aside, I felt as though my entire life had been derailed with the idea that my mom might have cancer. The world was running all around me and I was at a crawl.

"And everybody wants to go on laughing
when everything says it might be time to cry
But I feel alive, seeing inside my eyes -- the saddest eyes you've ever seen
And I can't let go of someone I need to know
It's not time for you to go..."

-Maureen, Fred LeBlanc

* * * * *

My story has a happy ending. The big city doctors found no cancer. After a few more days of tests and observation, she was discharged. Within a week or two, my mom was back to her old self. My prayer had been answered. I was too young to lose a parent. In the end, there were theories as to what happened. I'm not sure that any of the doctors really knew for sure. After all, there is a reason they call it practicing medicine. The important thing to me was that life resumed. I had my mom back. I no longer felt as though I was living in a world separate from everyone else.

Tonight, I can't help but wish that Alex had the opportunity to feel that very same way.

It's a cool, warm morning on a January day
And for the first time, I've got nothing to say
So I slowly eat my breakfast as they talk about the game
And I pray you might have spoken my name

And everybody wants to go on laughing
when everything says it might be time to cry
But I feel alive, seeing inside my eyes -- the saddest eyes you've ever seen
And I can't let go of someone I need to know -- it's not time for you to go
So don't leave me, Maureen

When the sun woke this morning and gently touched my face
For a moment, I didn't recognize this place
So I looked inside the mirror and who'd you think I'd see
The very best parts of you staring at me

And everybody wants to go on laughing
when everything says it might be time to cry
But I feel alive, seeing inside my eyes -- the saddest eyes you've ever seen
And I can't let go of someone I need to know -- it's not time for you to go
So don't leave me, Maureen

Spoken: Well about two weeks later, she died. And in the midst of all the sadness and heartache, I was glad about one thing. I was glad that I'd taken the time to tell my parents just much I love them, whenever I could. You see, the people in your life -- the people in your life that you love... Well, you've gotta let them know how you feel. 'Cause one day, that opportunity -- it's going to be gone.

And everybody wants to go on living
when everything says it might be time to die
But I feel alive, seeing inside my eyes -- the saddest eyes you've ever seen
And I won't let go of someone I need to know -- it's not time for you to go
So don't leave me...
Don't leave me...
Don't leave me...
Maureen

-"Maureen," Fred LeBlanc

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountainside
The summer's gone, and all the roses are dying
It's you, it's you must go and I must bide

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so

And when you come, and all the flowers are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my grave shall warmer, sweeter be
For you will bend and tell me that you love me
And I shall sleeep in peace until you come to me

-Danny Boy
Frederick Weatherly

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

To make me sound older than I am, I'll tell you that if you wanted Christmas music when I was growing up, you put on some records. It's the truth. I only remember one Christmas cassette in our house. There was no satellite radio station playing carols 24/7, no cable music channel and certainly no iTunes playlist with 249 carols locked and loaded like I have now.

One of my favorite LPs was Bing Crosby's "Merry Christmas" record from 1973. I know that Crosby Christmas albums are a dime a dozen, but you might remember this one -- it featured him wearing a Santa hat on the front cover with a bow-tie made of holly. It had all of the traditional Crosby pieces on it and, as such, became a popular piece of vinyl at casa de Fletch.

I was blessed with my first-ever "compact disc player" in 1992 for my 15th birthday. And so the next year, it was a modernized, CD-version of "Merry Christmas" that I was looking for in that K-Mart. Instead, I picked up Crosby CD called White Christmas on the LaserLight label. I popped it in the player and was immediately disappointed to hear talking...

"A couple of teen-aged tunesmiths around Hollywood here, Mel Torme and Bob Wells, have penned an item which I consider quite appropriate for tonight. It's sort of a musical Christmas card. Skitch and I'd like to do it for you. It's called The Christmas Song." [ Link to audio clip ]

I wanted a music CD, not one with talking.

The CD, as it turns out, is a recording of Crosby's Kraft Music Hall radio show from the 1940s -- complete with introductions for several of the songs. Crosby is backed by the Paul Weston Orchestra and the Normal Luboff Choir. I can only imagine that the reference to Skitch is band-leader Skitch Henderson. None of this stuff is the type of music that draws the normal 15-year-old in... but, as you know, I'm a little different. Of course, it could have been the fact that this was the only Christmas CD I owned, but it got plenty of play and I quickly grew to love it.

There's something about Crosby's voice that's soothing -- an element that compliments the calm I seek out in the still night of Christmas Eve.

"All across the world tonight, wherever there are people, you can hear the same age-old words of friendship. And in the Christmas carols we're singing tonight, the words carry the innermost feelings of all of us. I hope that you're singing with us and I know if you are, you're enjoying it." [ Link to audio clip ]

I hope that you find that calm, too, as "Christmas casts its magic spell across the world"... And I hope that that wherever you are or whatever you're doing tonight, you're happy.

Merry Christmas.

"Those are the bells of the Church of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. Tonight, as Christmas casts its magic spell across the world, we'd like to sing again the song which describes a peaceful holy land. A Holy Land of countless years of faith. Carolers, let's sing O Little Town of Bethlehem."

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight

-Rector Phillips Brooks

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

In the years since, I've sort of set rolling benchmarks in my head of what age might be considered grown up. Twenty-one was the next. Twenty-four followed that since it was not too young and not too old. I pretty much rolled through the late 20s year by year -- never quite feeling grown up enough, thinking that the feeling might come next year. Now, I look back and discover that I arrived at my station without ever knowing. The job. The responsibility. The house. The wife. The age. Somehow, they all added up while I wasn't looking. Kids call me mister now. I have gray hair -- and not just a few. I think 31 is it.

I'm not like a lot of others, though. Coming to terms with some form of adulthood doesn't mean life is over. Inside, I still harbor the seven year old version of me that gets excited by fire trucks and thinks that Christmas is down right magical. I'm also the guy who finds songs about getting tanked during the holidays entertaining. No, I'm not ready for my slippers and Worther's Originals just yet.

I see a stocking hanging, but don't know whose it is
I hope Santa's bringing an icy sloe gin fizz
'Cause I've spent all of my money and I can hardly stand
My head feels very funny; there's strange scent on my hands

Guess I went out drinking -- some rot gut Christmas cheer
I got drunk this Christmas, like I do most every year

The juke box plays a carol, I start to feel a glow
But the red nose is not Rudoplh,  I'm having drinks to go
Lonely guys have gathered, tall tales have been told
It does not really matter, I'll be passed out cold

Guess I went out drinking -- some rot gut Christmas cheer
I got drunk this Christmas, like I do most every year

Today I feel like talking, I don't care to who
The girl beside me snoring looks hungover, too
Maybe I should kiss her, but would she be ashamed
If I said Merry Christmas, baby, what's your name?

Guess I went out drinking -- some rot gut Christmas cheer
I got drunk this Christmas, like I do most every year

I got drunk this Christmas, like I do most every year

-Drunk This Christmas
Paul Sanchez

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

Es ist ein' Ros' entsprungen, aus einer Wurzel zart.
Wie uns die Alten sungen, von Jesse war die Art
Und hat ein Blüm'lein 'bracht;
mitten im kalten Winter, wohl zu der halben Nacht

Das Röslein, das ich meine, davon Jesaia sagt:
Maria ist's, die Reine, die uns das Blüm'lein bracht'
Aus Gottes ew'gem Rat,
Hat sie ein Kindlein g'boren, Bleibend ein reine Magd

Das Blümelein, so kleine, das duftet uns so süß;
mit seinem hellen Scheine vertreibt's die Finsternis
Wahr'r Mensch und wahrer Gott!
Hilft uns aus allem Leide, rettet von Sünd' und Tod

-German Carol

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

My interest in slightly obscure music finds its way into December, too. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that a few of my favorite Christmas carols are songs that few others -- in my circle of friends, at least -- are familiar with. One in particular may be my favorite Christmas carol that you've never heard.

Belleau Wood tells the story of a Christmas truce in World War I. Living in a world where military resources can be anywhere on the globe in a matter of hours (not to mention the prospect of intercontinental arms), it's hard to imagine a war fought from trenches dug in the dirt. Knowing that suicide bombers and cowardly improvised explosive devices are standard threats to soldiers today, I can barely fathom calling a halt to war and celebrating Christmas in peace.

Oh, the snowflakes fell in silence over Belleau Wood that night
For a Christmas truce had been declared by both sides of the fight
As we lay there in our trenches the silence broke in two
By a German soldier singing a song that we all knew

Though I did not know the language, the song was "Silent Night"
Then I heard my buddy whisper, "All is calm and all is bright"
Then the fear and doubt surrounded me 'cause I'd die if I was wrong
But I stood up in my trench and I began to sing along

Then across the frozen battlefield another's voice joined in
Until one by one each man became a singer of the hymn

Then I thought that I was dreaming for right there in my sight
Stood the German soldier beneath the falling flakes of white
And he raised his hand and smiled at me as if he seemed to say
Here's hoping we both live to see us find a better way

Then the devil's clock struck midnight and the skies lit up again
And the battlefield where heaven stood was blown to hell again

But for just one fleeting moment, the answer seemed so clear
Heaven's not beyond the clouds, it's just beyond the fear
No, heaven's not beyond the clouds, it's for us to find here

-Belleau Wood
Joe Henry, Garth Brooks

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

"Are you afraid to die?"

What makes this episode of lyric-on-the-brain interesting is that I'd never heard the entire song it was attached to. Several months prior, I'd been surfing random and obscure music on iTunes when I stumbled across this Ricky Skaggs tune. Although I'm not exactly a bluegrass "fan," I do have a periodic weakness for the stringy sound and added this one to my shopping cart so I could ponder about it later.

The song was still in my shopping cart -- meaning the most I'd ever heard of it was a 30-second preview -- as those five words rolled around my brain in a loop all morning long. I wondered aloud to Jessie and the guys at work if perhaps this was some sort of an omen.

About 11a, we were dispatched to a lady "possibly not breathing." When we arrived, our patient was in full cardiac arrest. Like most codes, the deck was stacked against us. There were so many people in the patient's bedroom, it looked like a family reunion. The patient was inconveniently located and hard to move. There were no working lights in the room. And no one seemed to no how long she'd been down.

Regardless, we threw ourselves into the call and gave our patient the best shot possible. But, like on many other days, our best was not good enough. The lyrics, in seemed, had been an omen indeed.

Are you a stranger to God
Carried away with your pride
Tell me sinner Do you ever stop and think
Are you afraid to die

Are you afraid
Are you unsaved
Are you afraid to die

Call on Him while he is near
Moments are swift passing by
Will you seek Him
While He still may be found
Are you afraid to die

Are you afraid
Are you unsaved
Are you afraid to die

Are you too wicked to cry
Would you to Gods’ bosom fly
Soon He’s comin’
Like a theif in the night
Are you afraid to die

Are you afraid
Are you unsaved
Are you afraid to die

Are you afraid
Are you unsaved
Are you afraid to die

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

I said, "I do."

The 732 days and some three hours or so since have been quite the ride. I dare say that the first two years of marriage have brought some of the best memories of my life but, also, some of the more distressing ones, too. No one said that this would be easy -- and it hasn't been. It's been hard. Marriage has been the most unique experience imaginable and, if I live up to my contractual obligations, it will continue to be so until death do us part.

The one thing I've discovered is how easy it is for real life to get in the way of whatever forces bring two people together. If life were only so easy as to consist of one man and one woman, anything would be possible. Instead, many relationships -- like mine -- find themselves fighting for equal time among the distractions of every day living. Without noticing, the nuts and bolts of work, home and activities sneak ahead of your relationship. I imagine that it's easy for a lot of people to forget about how it feels to truly connect with your mate... But remembering that feeling -- and recreating it -- is the only way a relationship can survive.

Tonight, I remember with our first song as husband and wife.

Love is like the wind
Sometimes it blows your way
And until now
It missed me somehow

But when I turned around
I saw you standing there
The sound of your voice
I had no choice

I used to have a wish
One day, I'd feel like this
Now I know love exists
Because it's standing right next to me

Beneath the moon tonight
I see it in your eyes
No more false starts
No broken hearts

I used to have a wish
One day, I'd feel like this
Now I know love exists
Because it's standing right next to me

Even in the dark
Even when you're gone
I feel you in my heart

I used to have a wish
One day, I'd feel like this
Now I know love exists
Because it's standing right next to me

-Karla Bonoff

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)

As I'm leaving
A change comes on my eyes
These streets persuading me
With mumbled strange goodbyes

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone

There's no meaning
In clothes and coffee cups
Cheap hotel furniture
Where silence never stops

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone

And now I'm dreaming
I'm staring at the walls
Cars are frozen now
In late night waterfalls

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost...

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Wash my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone

I'm almost...

As I'm Leaving
David Gray

(Here's the link to the song if the embeded player doesn't load.)